I re-read the bill that former Rep. Mark Maddox wrote a few years ago. It got pushed back and to be honest, I’m glad it did. I think Maddox meant well, but he’s not schooled in adoption and doesn’t quite understand what needs to happen to make it a safer adoption world, not just for prospective adoptive parents, but for expectant women considering adoption and birth mothers who have already placed their children. It needs to be a safe world where those families are brought together for the love of a child.

Because adoption plan perimeters vary from state to state, there needs to be one law making it the same.

For example:

This is a bill proposing nationwide perimeters on adoption plans involving a pregnant woman considering adoption and the prospective adoptive parent(s)

Prospective adoptive parents shall be responsible for living expenses as deemed necessary by the expectant mother’s attorney or adoption agency for a period of 4 months pre birth and a period of 1 month proceeding birth of the child.

Women who have placed a baby for adoption shall have 5 business days after signing papers to reclaim the baby.

If the rules are the same, it thwarts scammers who know they can keep the same story and find couples that live in different states to work with, whether pregnant or not, thus maximizing their financial gain.

As far as having no law in which to hold scammers accountable is a travesty. It’s fraudulent. It’s emotional distress. It’s unimaginable there is not one single law making it a crime.

In Maddox’s bill, he wanted pregnant women who had followed through with the adoption plan and accepted funds, be responsible for giving the money back if she decides to keep the baby. This is just without a doubt, hands down what should absolutely not be in any law. This is taking away that mother’s right to chose! She may have planned on placing the baby the entire time but held her baby in the end and couldn’t go through with it no matter how badly she feels about hurting the prospective parents. She probably felt guilty for taking the money while pregnant and would give it back if she could. Unfortunately for the adoptive family, they have just lost their baby. They are devastated and know that the thousands of money they have given for the birth mom’s living expenses are gone and they have pushed back trying again because they are out of money and their hearts are broken. At least if the law in each state capped living expenses at 4 months pre birth and 1 month post birth everyone would know what to expect. Expectant mothers would be given the extra help they need with living expenses deemed necessary through her attorney, thus alleviating some of their stress. Prospective adoptive parents will know they have that financial responsibility, but it won’t be as much money lost if the adoption falls through. Perhaps they can re cooperate quicker financially and begin to rebuild their dream.

As an adoptive mother I have lost money on scams, paid living expenses once for 10 months and then again for another 5. That doesn’t include additional expenses involved like travel, attorneys, agencies, social workers, etc. The absolute hardest time for me was the waiting time until I knew my babies were mine. Kennedy’s birth mom went before a judge 2 days after birth and immediately upon signing (in which he was tough on her in a good way) her rights were terminated. Kingston’s birth mom had 10 business days. In both cases my worst fear was them wanting to reclaim their birth children. I knew they had every right and they deserve that right, but how would I ever be able to give them up? I know how important it is, however, for mothers to have that time to cope with their decision and make sure they can live with it. Kingston’s birth mom knew that because our adoption plan was in the wake of the scam, I was terrified. I couldn’t help it. She told me once she wanted her attorney to draw up papers waiving her right to a waiting period. I absolutely refused. There was no way I as going to be a part of something she could have regretted the rest of her life, nor was I going to have something for her to throw back into my face as if I had pushed her to do it. Not a chance. During this waiting period, think of the child. He’s already endured birth and needs his mother. He’s been depending on his adoptive mother and the longer that happens the more they bond and the less time the birth mother has had during that time. Therefore, I think a 5 business day waiting time is logical for the baby, birth mom and adoptive family.

This is what I came up with for the second bill making adoption scam a felony:

Adoption - Creates fraud offenses and a civil cause of action

in certain circumstances involving women posing as expectant mothers considering adoption or expectant mothers with no intent on placing the unborn child or promising the child to more than one family and prospective adoptive parents or families.

Under this bill, it would be a Class E felony for a woman to

represent herself to a prospective adoptive parent or family as

either:

(1) Representing herself as being pregnant when she knows she is not and making an adoption plan and/or accepting funds from the family during the alleged pregnancy; or

(2) Accepting funds from and/or making an adoption plan with more than one family during her pregnancy

In addition to probation, incarceration, or criminal fines,this bill

requires the sentencing court to sentence an offender to pay full

restitution to the parent or family for all the funds paid to the

offender by the parent or family during the pregnancy or alleged pregnancy. Offenders will also be required to pay restitution to the parent or family for personal expenses incurred.

This bill also authorizes a cause of action for a parent or family to

bring suit against a woman for the full restitution of all the funds

the parent or family paid to her during her pregnancy, if:

(1) The woman represents herself to a prospective parent or family as being pregnant when she knows she is not and accepts funds from the alleged pregnancy or follows an adoption plan of action.

(2)Throughout the pregnancy or alleged pregnancy, she accepts money from more than one couple previous to birth with the promise of adopting the child

Any suggestions would be appreciated!

She’s won yet again.

She sat in the courtroom yesterday and made mental notes of how to stay in the gray areas of the law so as not to face punishment now or for the future crimes she’s planning. She’s figuring out ways to get away with bigger crimes. She knows now too that she can play the emotional scam for kicks and use that MO in the future so as not to get in trouble or face time in jail.

Officer Greg emailed me early this morning with details of the preliminary hearing. He had to drop the serious charge with no other felony to file to it. He’s praying and hoping that at this point the judge will at least keep the two misdemeanor charges, but he hasn’t ruled on that yet. Of course, he’s extremely frustrated and spent countless personal hours trying to find something to keep her in jail to no avail. There is just no money involved on this one and no law making this type of emotional, cruel, heartless scam a felony or even a crime for that matter. Though the thoughts of other current victims who gave her money is heartwrenching, at this point, it would be the only saving factor this time around.

Basically, there is nothing else he can do. She will continue to do this and another state will be going through the same thing…trying to find something to charge her with. Escentially, no state wants her there and they are just passing her around to another because they don’t know what to do with her.

So now she will face another judgement which will basically lead to nothing and be re-paroled to Ohio and again, nothing will happen. In a short while, she will be destroying other lives.

Armstrong baby scam suspect awaits judge’s ruling

By Brigid Beatty, LEADER TIMES

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Last updated: 8:15 am

About the writer

Brigid Beatty is a Leader Times staff writer and can be reached at 724-543-1303 or via e-mail.

KITTANNING — A woman who was arrested last month on charges connected to an alleged baby scam is awaiting a district judge’s decision following her preliminary trial Wednesday.

Amy Slanina, 32, was arrested Dec. 30 after she was discovered at the domestic violence shelter, HAVIN (Helping All Victims in Need), in Kittanning under a false name. HAVIN Director Jo Ellen Bowman said she called police after learning that Slanina was wanted on a parole violation in Ohio. Following her arrest at HAVIN, Slanina was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and confessed to police that she had snorted Klonopin. While staying at HAVIN, Slanina allegedly used her cell phone and a computer at the shelter to contact a couple from Idaho. Slanina, calling herself Amiee, allegedly texted and e-mailed Richard and Rebecca Vest and conned them into believing she was pregnant and ready to give up her baby for adoption.

Slanina was initially charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, theft by deception and theft of services. She waived her right to a preliminary hearing on those charges on Jan. 4.

She has since been charged with two counts of criminal use of a communication facility, which were later withdrawn, and two counts of disorderly conduct causing physically offensive conditions to the alleged victims.

Before yesterday’s hearing began, Assistant District Attorney Cindy Calarie said, that there is currently “no law to protect victims of this type of crime (baby scam) because no money passed hands.”

During the hearing, Kittanning officer Greg Koprivnak testified before District Judge James Owen that in his opinion Slanina’s actions caused physically offensive conditions for the Vests because they believed they would soon be adopting a baby.

Koprivnak said the couple flew to Pittsburgh, rented a car and arrived at Butler Memorial Hospital on Dec. 30 where they believed Slanina, or the woman known to them as Amiee, was in labor.

At the time of Slanina’s arrest, while Koprivnik questioned the Vests, he said “Rebecca was crying profusely and didn’t understand why someone would fake a pregnancy and uproot them from Idaho for a baby that didn’t exist.”

In addition to the emotional toll, Koprivnak said, the Vests spent $2,524.50 which included expenses for plane tickets, car rental, hotel accommodations, food and gas.

Defense attorney, Chuck Pascal, argued that Slanina never asked the Vests for money. Pascal asked Koprivnak if there is record of a text message in which Slanina specifically asked the Vests to come to Butler at a particular time: “Was there an overt invitation to come to Butler now?”

Koprivnak answered no, that it was inferred based on the sequence of messages sent between Slanina and the Vests and said that Slanina had sent a text to the Vests saying, “Please tell me you are coming.”

Pascal asked Koprivnak: “Were they (the Vests) ever placed in physical danger by flying to Pennsylvania from Idaho?”

Koprivnak answered: “I don’t know if I can answer that, I don’t believe so.”

Pascal responded that Slanina is “basically charged here because she lied.”

“She (Slanina) lied to them (the Vests), creating a fantasy. She made up a persona and as a result of that, led them to believe she would give them her baby. Based on that they made a decision to fly to Pennsylvania,” said Pascal.

He argued that the actions of the defendant do not meet the criteria for disorderly conduct causing physically offensive conditions and that the charges should be dismissed.

Calarie argued that Slanina had been engaged in “a very cruel game.”

“The Vests were seriously inconvenienced,” said Calarie. “She (Slanina) didn’t get to the point of asking them for money because she was in jail.”

Owen said he would take the matter under advisement and do some research before making a decision.

Bail was set at $25,000

The problems with adoption from a legal standpoint are really two fold.

The first is that the laws governing adoption procedures vary from state to state. When we adopted Kennedy in Oklahoma, we ended up paying 10 months of living expenses for her birth mom. Also, after birth, once papers were signed in the judge’s chambers, she couldn’t change her mind. She didn’t just go in and sign papers, the judge made sure it was something she could live with the rest of her life. She said he was quite grueling and made sure she understood she was entitled to change her mind, irregardless of money she was provided for the adoption plan. Emotionally, it would have been beyond devastating to have to give up my precious Kennedy, but I can’t even imagine how devastating it was for her birth mother. Financially speaking, for us, worst case scenario is we could have paid 9 months living expenses and travel expenses and her birth mom could have changed her mind and we would have lost tens of hundreds of money. This is money that of course, can’t be returned. I’ve heard people say that if they pay that much money for an expectant mom’s living expenses and they don’t get the baby, they should be paid back the money. Ok now people, lets think about this. If I, as a potential adoptive parent (PAP) pay living expenses for a pregnant woman and she changes her mind, how do I have the right to say she should pay me back? Wouldn’t that be extortion on my part? Wouldn’t that be paying for a baby? When an PAP pays living expenses, it enables the expectant mother to alleviate some of the stresses in her life. It’s imperative that all monies paid go through an attorney or agency. Once, Kingston’s birth mother asked me for $25 for a book about sexual relationships. My response was “I wouldn’t pay that for myself. That’s not a living expense. So heck no, I’m not buying you a $25 book.” That’s an example of what the financial relationship shouldn’t be. Monies given are for living expenses, not $25 books.

In my experience, I’ve paid expenses for two pregnant woman. As I said earlier, Kennedy’s birth mom received 9 months living expenses before birth and a month afterward. She had medical, so that expense was alleviated. We became close through the process and no topic was off limits, but money was never mentioned. She simply took her bills to the attorney and the attorney paid them. If she had changed her mind after birth, we would have lost all that money. It would have been a very tough financial loss and would have taken a long time to recover from. We would have had to put the adoption on hold until we could pay some of the money we had borrowed back before we added to it again. But you know what? That’s a chance you take. It just is. When you’re pregnant or there is a potential birth mom involved, no one ever knows what will happen to the baby either. Will the baby be born healthy? Will she have developmental problems? Will she even make it through the birth alive? All of these fears encapsulate all expecting mothers, pregnant or not. If there is a miscarriage or an unhealthy, sick or physical challenge upon birth would you want your money back since it’s not your idea of a perfect child? I would hope not. But you do hear of those instances too where expectant mothers have picked out a family for her baby and she has the child with medical issues and the PAPs no longer want the child. Come on now, this goes both ways.

Kingston’s birth mom was more of a challenge to work with. She was constantly requesting unreasonable material things and of course, we could not and did not provide money for those things. In North Carolina, I think we paid 4 months of living expenses. In this state, she could have legally changed her mind and reclaimed Kingston 10 business days following the birth. This, of course, varies from state to state. I remember that once she told me she would sign paperwork waiving her waiting time to termination and I refused. There was absolutely no way I was going to do this as it could have the potential of coming back up at another time and making me look like I had pushed her to sign before it was legally required. We got along well during the pregnancy, but it wasn’t an easy, comfortable relationship like I had with Kennedy’s birth family.

I said all that to say this, the adoption laws need to be the same across the country. There needs to be a set number of months allowed to pay living expenses and a standard set time the birth mother can change her mind. That way, both parties know what they are getting into up front regardless of the state they reside in. An expectant mother can live in Florida and a couple in Maine and the laws are the same. Doesn’t it just make sense?

Scam artists know that living expenses allowances vary from state to state so they chose PAPs in multiple states to maximize their income. This allows them to use the same story and due date without getting confused. One thing on the Dateline report that wasn’t clear is that we did use an attorney. Professional scammers aren’t afraid to use attorneys, adoption agencies and facilities. Amy met with the adoption attorney we chose for her. She was a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys and we felt comfortable that she was the best. This “amazing” attorney didn’t check any information on Amy before she handed her a check for almost 1k. She didn’t check medical or pregnancy records, residence (even though she gave her rent money) and get this…she didn’t even check her driver’s license. Had she checked she would have figured out pretty quickly that “Crystal Tidwell Miller” as she was known to us at the time, was really Amy Cumbee. When the scam was uncovered, the attorney informed me that her name had “better not get out or I would be sorry.”

On the flip side, expectant women who are planning on adoption should feel protected by going to an attorney or agency. Their records can be checked and they can continue with the plan without feeling like the PAPs are questioning her validity or truthfulness. It just makes all parties involved more relaxed and secure that everyone is legit. Adoption attorneys in Nashville pitched a fit when Rep. Maddox presented the bill because it made them more responsible for investigation. Obviously, the money is more important than making sure that #1 the paperwork and records of honest expectant mothers are in order so their intentions aren’t second guessed and they aren’t made to feel like they are scamming anyone #2 that a little investigation on their part helps protects paps emotionally and financially and #3 scammers will not want to approach them knowing they will be investigated and if they are stupid and/or sinister enough to try, they will be caught. It’s just a no brainer.

The second disastrous issue is that when scammers are caught, there is not one law in place to charge them with.

Did you catch that? There is NO law in place to charge adoption scammers with. It’s so ridiculous it bears repeating. How can there not be a law making it illegal to scam prospective parents with the promise of a baby and then destroy their lives and hearts and take hundreds of thousands of money from them? Half the time, there isn’t even a baby! When I spoke….ok, pleaded…with FBI about charging Amy I was informed that because she hadn’t gotten over 10k from us it wasn’t any of their concern. So basically, it’s incredibly difficult to find something to charge scammers with. And unless they have a warrant or probable cause for a crime, they can’t even be arrested. Law enforcement has to grasp at straws trying to find something so basically, unless they are doing something else, they get away with it. In my experience, there have only been a couple of law enforcement officers that “get it.” They understand it’s a crime of the heart and they spend hours trying to find something to charge them with and keep them in jail for a while. Thankfully, the current arresting officer has found other things to charge her with. Here is her current court document and charges.

Name:

AMY MARIE SLANINA

Sex: F

DOB: Mar 1, 1979 

Height: 5 FT 4 IN

Weight: 175 LBS

Race:

Hair Color: BROWN

Hair Length: BELOW THE NECK

Eye Color: BROWN

Complexion: LIGHT SKINNED

Incarceration Information:

Current Location: County:

Current Housing Section: FWR Current Housing Block: B POD

Commitment Date: 12/30/2011 Release Date:

Alias Information:

SLANINA

AMY SLINIA

AMY SLAINIA

AMY OST

MARRISA FOTLTZ

AMY OSTE

Bond Information:

Type: Amount: $10,000.00 Status: Open Posted By: Post Date:

Type: Amount: $25,000.00 Status: Open Posted By: Post Date:

Type: Amount: $1,500.00 Status: Dismissed Posted By: Post Date:

Detainer Information:

Comp No 78653 Charge OHIO DEPT OF CORRECTIONS Comp Date 01/04/2012 Issued By STATE OF OHIO Set By PAROLE OFFICER ANDERSON

Charge Information:

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-1-12 USE/POSS OF DRUG PARAPH 12/29/2011 MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-1-12 DIVERSION OF SERVICES 12/29/2011 MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-1-12 THEFT BY DECEP-FALSE IMPRESSION 12/29/2011 MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-17-12 CRIMINAL USE OF COMMUNICATION FACILITY MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-17-12 DISORDER CONDUCT HAZARDOUS/PHYSI OFF MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction

CR-400-11 USE/POSS OF DRUG PARAPH 12/29/2011 MJ

Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type

12/30/2011 01/04/2012 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D

Best case scenario is other victims will come out and Officer Koprivnak will be able to add to the charges and keep her in prison for a while. Hopefully, national attention will push government to pass a law making adoption scam a felony. Unfortunately, it’s becoming very common for paps to become victims of this crime. Obviously, it’s such an easy con, scammers continue without fear of being caught or incarceration.

It’s up to each one of us now to respond. Start here. I’m currently working on a petition to send to government officials and will post as soon as it’s ready for signatures. The change will start with us.

I thought I was “over it.” I thought I was finished going through the stages of grief. I thought it was all in my past. I thought by some miracle she had stopped. I was wrong.

I checked my email a week ago and found four messages regarding Amy, who is now going by the name Amy Jo Slanina. She has several aliases she’s used through the years. First names include Amy, Amy Jo, Aimee, Amiee, Crystal, Christy, Marissa and Marie. Last names include Cumbee (her maidan name), Ost (a married name), Hodge (a married name), Slanina, Tidwell and Miller.

The first email was from an Executive Director at a domestic abuse shelter. She told me that Amy had been staying in her shelter under false pretenses, claiming to be pregnant. That’s pretty much all her email said so I moved along to the second one from a police officer in Kittanning Borough PA, Officer Greg Koprivnak. My heart started pounding when I read the first crucial sentence. “Today I have found she is up to her old tricks and scammed a couple from Idaho into coming to Pennsylvania under the same pretenses that they were going to get to adopt a baby.” He told me he had arrested her on simple drug charges, but was familiar with the Dateline story and was hopeful there were more serious charges to come. He asked me to contact him with information on her to help with the investigation.

After reading these emails, I was so shocked that my hands could barely navigate the keyboard to open the others. These were the letters written by professionals. I skimmed through the next two with tears in my eyes. Oh dear God….more victims.

The first victim is a woman who was in a relationship with Amy from Sept-Nov. Amy claimed to have just gotten out of a relationship with Christy Tidwell (the same Christy she used in our scam). She told “J” that she was a nurse and was pregnant via in vitro with twins. While Amy was staying with her, she claimed her mother passed away and she left to go to be with her family in PA. There, she went into labor and gave birth to the twins, who conveniently were in NICU and “J” couldn’t visit. She brought back pictures of the babies and the couple named them Seth and Olivia. Amy said she wanted to marry “J” and on the day she went to the hospital to bring Seth home, she never returned. Within hours of leaving, her cell phone was disconnected. Four days later, “J” received a letter in the mail from Amy stating that she was going back to Christy and wasn’t in love with her. Amy stole over $700 worth of possessions from “J” and her family. When she was contacted by Officer Koprivnak regarding the drug arrest, “J” said she would press charges.

I’ve heard this particular story from Amy TWICE before. The first being Christy Miller Tidwell and the second, a woman named Lisa in Ohio. Lisa contacted me in February 2010. She had known Amy about 17 months after meeting through a Craigslist ad. When they began talking Amy was in jail in Davidson County TN for stealing a vehicle. When she was released she moved to Ohio to be with Lisa. Of course, Amy was pregnant in vitro with twins and wanted to marry her and start a business and family with her. She lived with Lisa and her mother and they all prepared the arrival of the babies. Amy provided ultrasound pictures and said she had inherited money from her grandfather’s death and had paid off Lisa’s car. (The car was later repossesed, much to Lisa’s surprise.) One day, Amy borrowed Lisa’s mother’s car and went to go run errands. Several hours later her phone was disconnected and she never returned. She took Lisa’s mother’s checks, credit cards and car and was found in PA the following day and arrested. Lisa’s mother went in front of the Grand Jury in March. See http://www.10tv.com/live/content/local/stories/2010/04/30/story-mount-vernon-woman-accused-of-faking-pregnancy.html . In June, she was sentenced to 17 months. Here is a news video from the sentencing : http://www.10tv.com/live/content/local/stories/2010/06/04/story-mount-vernon-woman-sentenced-pregnancy-fraud.html?sid=102 .

The fourth and final email was from a woman named Rebecca. After reading the first few sentences of her story, a heaviness enveloped me. Her experience with Amy was so similar to mine I couldn’t stop the tears. I was overwhelmed in grief for the pain of this woman as I relived every painful moment of losing the baby Amy promised me. On top of everything else, it was almost 6 years to the day. Right during the holidays. As a woman longing for a baby, I spent every holiday wondering if I would have that precious child in my arms the next year. Would it be my last Christmas as a mother of one? Oh how I would dream and plan and envision spending the holidays as a mother of two. The years would come and go and with each holiday that passed, I became more and more depressed and hopeless. The year Amy came into my life was a few days before Thanksgiving and she disappeared the day before Christmas. It was a hellish nightmare. Where was the woman who had promised she would give me the baby I had been dreaming of? Was she ok? What if something had happened to her and the baby? I was overtaken with worry and the worry quickly turned to grief when I realized I had been scammed. This same nightmare had become a reality for Rebecca and I grieved with her.

Rebecca and Barry were contacted by Amy on Dec 23 through their website. Amy presented herself as “Aimee”, a 19 year old living in Indiana PA and attending nursing school. She claimed to work at Walmart and lived with the father of the baby named Mike. Mike was a criminal justice major and worked at a home for troubled boys. She told Rebecca up front that she didn’t want any money as they were both employed and had medical insurance. She explained that she placed a baby 2 years ago named Olivia in an open adoption, but that was “too hard” so she prefered a closed adoption this time around. She was expecting a baby girl on Jan 17th. They had one phone conversation with her, but after the initial call, it was strictly texting or email. Interestingly enough, they also corresponded with “Mike” several times via text and email. Things moved quickly and a case worker from their agency talked to her just 3 days later and confirmed a meeting on Dec 30 in which they would verify pregnancy and start paperwork. Aimee conveniently went into labor the evening of Dec 30 and the couple immediately made arrangements to get to the hospital 2000 miles away.

With tears streaming down my face, I made my way to the text messages Rebecca sent with the email.

It was déjà vu.

Mike began texting the couple claiming that Aimee’s water had just broke and she was crying in pain and he was heartbroken watching her hurt. Rebecca told them they were on their way and they were praying. Mike asks “promise you are coming?” The couple reassured them they would be there the following morning before 6am.

As the texts were being exchanged, the excited couple was driving the 3.5 hours to Salt Lake City airport. Right before departure to JFK, they got what would be their last text from “Mike and Aimee.”

Rebecca: “No internet in flight. How are things going?”

Mike: “OMG”

Upon arriving in New York and traveling to Pittsburgh, the couple tried contacting Aimee, but there was no response. Sick with worry, they drove to the hospital and of course, they had no patient by the name Aimee Jo Slanina. They checked the other area hospitals in desperation and the reality sank it. They had been scammed.

Later, they received a call from Officer Koprivnak in Kittanning, PA (the same officer who contacted me) and he told them he had arrested Aimee/Amy. Apparently, the director at the abuse shelter had misgivings about her, googled her, and found the Dateline story. Officer Koprivnak found out she hadn’t checked in with per parole officer in Ohio and was able to take her into custody. He found their text messages after confiscating her cell phone and immediately called them. He confirmed Amy had been scamming them and from what he could tell, there was no baby.

Even though they hadn’t given Amy any money, they lost $3000 on flight, car and hotel. What’s more though, they got their hearts broken. Everything happened so fast, they saw no red flags to question her validity. The agency did everything they could given the time frame they were given, particularly with the holidays.

Even more frightening, Amy never asked for money. She did it for the thrill and power.

Words can’t put into words the heartbreak I felt all over again. I grieved for Rebecca and I grieved again for myself. Now, a week later, I realize I have worked through the devastation of losing the baby, but I have pushed back the pain of the scam itself. I feel guilty for not doing more to protect others not only from Amy, but from the other adoption scammers hurting others daily. In the wake of my scam, former TN Rep Mark Maddox wrote a bill making adoption scam a felony, but it was pushed back by attorneys. Instead of fighting for it, I let it go. I went on with my life and tried to forget. The more the grief subsides, the more the anger rises. I can’t let this go on. I can’t stand aside and not fight for adoption laws. Obviously, adoption scammers are terrorizing the lives of potential adoptive parents, but what about birth mothers and women who are considering adoption? Women who have chosen adoption for their children are being looked down upon. Women who are considering adoption and change their minds and parent are being labeled scammers. Yes, this is my other soap box. Let’s get this straight right now. Pregnant woman may have completely decided to place their baby with the “perfect” couple they have chosen. They may have accepted living expenses. When the baby is born though, they decide to parent. Yes, the couple is devastated. I’ve been there. It’s horrific. BUT, she has every right to change her mind. She’s a woman who has given birth to the baby she has carried for nine months and deciding to parent does not make her a scammer. It’s a chance potential adoptive parents take. Unfortunately, pregnant women considering adoption are now often times second guessed because of those women who scam other financially and/or emotionally with the promise of a baby. The laws regarding expenses vary from state to state. There are no laws in which to charge women who are legitimately scamming others. The adoption system is out of control and there is nothing in place to protect anyone involved.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m outraged. I’m determined. I will not stop until changes take place.

It started with googling adoption. My whole world opened up to chat rooms, blogs, websites and message boards. I searched adoption agencies and facilitators and was jolted back to reality when I saw the costs involved. There was absolutely no way we could afford tens of thousands of dollars again to adopt. It only took a couple of weeks to realize that because of the momumental fees, my only hope was a private, independant adoption. I joined forums and bonded with women who also longed to adopt. I discovered postings of pregnant women who were scared and unsure how to handle their baby and reached out for help.

I was moved by the posting of one particular pregnant woman named Christy. According to her posting, she was a young, single mother of a two year old daughter named Jasmine. She worked in a home for abused women and said she couldn’t afford to raise another child alone so she was considering adoption. I was moved by Christy. I felt sorry for her as I could feel the desperation in her voice and I sent her an email.

—————————————————————————————————————
Christy,

I saw your posting online today and my heart went out to you. Because you are considering adoption, I hope you don’t mind me telling you a little about myself and my family.

My husband and I will be married 8 years on New Year’s Eve. We live in a rural town in Tennessee. We began trying to have a baby right after we got married.

It didn’t take long to figure out it was going to be hard for me to get pregnant, so we began infertility. We endured almost 4 years of infertility treatments and heartbreaking miscarriages. Because we wanted to adopt whether we had biological children or not, we decided to go that route. We had a local adoption that fell through the day the child was born and I think it was even harder than the past heartbreaks we went through. We constantly worried about the baby…was he hungry…was he cold…was he being held and loved…. It was so hard coming home to an empty nursery. After a couple of months we found out that the baby was healthy and happy and we were able to “let him go.”

We were finally chosen by a birthmother in Tulsa, Oklahoma and we hit it off with her immediately. We flew down and spent the weekend with her and her family before the birth of our daughter. Less than 3 months after our birthmother chose us, we were blessed with the birth of our daughter. We promised Jana, our birthmom, two things…1. We would always provide Kennedy with unconditional love and support and give her the best life possible. 2. Jana would never have to worry about Kennedy because she would always have a line of communication open to her. We still enjoy this open relationship with Kennedy’s birthmother.

Because we waited so long to be parents, we have never taken our daughter for granted. I’ve heard so many parents say things like they couldn’t wait until their son started sleeping through the night….they couldn’t wait for their daughter to start walking….they couldn’t wait for her to start school, etc. Believe me, we’ve never felt that way. We feel blessed for every second we have with her.

My husband is a good provider for us, so I am able to be a stay home mommy. We have so much fun together….going to the zoo or aquarium, visiting family, working outside in the flowers, or just staying home and watching a movie or baking goodies for daddy. We also have a 17 year old foster daugher who joins in on the fun as well!

Please Christy, let me know if you have any questions for us. Also, even if you decide to keep that precious baby or if you decide on another couple for adoption, I’d love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I thank God for brave women like you who love their children so much that they can give them up if they have to. For without them, I would never get to be a Mother. We want our children’t birthmoms in their lives. We want to develop trusting friendships with them as well.

Please contact me if I you’d like to talk. I’ll be happy to also give you a phone number as well or will be happy to call you to save you the money.

You’re in my thoughts and I pray God will give you direction, strength and peace.

Lori
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Just two days later, a lump formed in my throat when I saw the email waiting for me from Christy.

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From: Christy Miller
To: Lori Coleman
Subject: Re: courageous choice posting
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 2005 12:36:31 -0800 (PST)

Thanks for your email you sound so nice and hlpeful. YOu seem so nice and easy to talk too. Just what I am looking for.

How are you doing? I am not feeling so well today, hoping its not the flu.
You sound very nice and I have gotten a lot of emails from people and for some reason your have stuck out to me.

How old is your daughter now??
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And my response:

Uh oh…i’ll pray it’s not the flu. I don’t know what the weather is like

now where you are, but it’s kinda dreary and rainy. Hopefully, you’re just feeling yucky because of that….we’ll hope that’s it anyway.

My daughter just turned 4 in October. I’ll send you a pic of her in her Halloween costume.

Like I said, we’re also in Tennessee…in the far southeastern county…near cleveland and not far from chattanooga or knoxville. I’ll be happy to answer any other questions you may have. As far as my email sticking out to you…I feel that God sends you what you need when you need it…maybe you need me as an adoptive mother….maybe you need me as a friend to give you encouragement and prayer….maybe i need you as well. i think when something is right, you just “click” and know it in your heart.

I’m also on yahoo and sent you an im under flowergoddesslori.

hugs to you and hope to hear from you soon,

Lori

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That night, her instant message popped up on my screen. We spoke for an hour about her life and her situation. Christy told me her mother lived in Ohio and they were somewhat estranged. She didn’t speak of her father at all, but had a close relationship with her brother, who also lived in Nashville. She was raising Jasmine alone as the child’s father abused her both emotionally and physcially. She had taken Jasmine with only the clothes on their backs and a couple of bags of necessities and left the violent man. She was depressed because she always put up her Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and she had to leave those things behind. She said Jasmine kept asking for lights and as a mother, she felt she was disappointing her daughter. She was concerned about having enough money for groceries that week and was low on gas for her car. The more she told me, the more my heart broke. As maternal as I am, I just wanted to take care of this girl. It wasn’t about me adopting the baby. It was about me being her friend.

Christy told me how she had received hundreds of emails from women begging to adopt her baby. There was one woman named Jackie from New York that was particulary disturbing to her. According to Christy, she had contacted Jackie after finding interest in her email. She said that after a couple of phone conversations, Jackie began “stalking” her. Christy said she had to have her phone number changed and had to change work locations because Jackie was calling her constantly. I personally had seen postings from a woman named Jackie from New York that was writing that she was adopting a baby from Nashville. To be honest, I was a little disturbed by this too!

Christy and I talked on the computer every night for the next couple of weeks. Then, on Thanksgiving Day, she called. She told me she was leaning toward placing her baby with me and asked if I could drive to Nashville the following day to meet her. When I arrived at my relative’s house for dinner, the entire family was excited, yet reserved at the news. Of course, no one wanted to see us go through the heartbreak of losing another baby, but everyone knew how I longed for another child. I tried to ease their minds and I shared with them Christy’s sincerity and honesty with me. I had even more that Thanksgiving to be thankful for…I knew that next year, Kennedy would have a new baby brother or sister.

That night, sleep didn’t come as I tossed and turned with the excitement of meeting Christy and imagining my life with another baby in just a few short months. Tomorrow’s meeting would either bring with it the joy of knowing I would become a mother again or the disappointment of realizing it wasn’t meant to be.

As Kennedy grew, my love for her deepened. It was amazing to me at how much more I loved her every day. Her smile made me forget my other worries and her laughter was contageous. When she was 2, I opened my own florist and took Kennedy to work with me daily. She was such a good baby and everyone was impressed at how well behaved she was. She enjoyed the public and it didn’t take long for her to win everyone over. There was simply no one she couldn’t captivate. Unlike a typical toddler, she didn’t bother anything on the shelves and was happy to comply with the boundaries set for her in the shop. She would sit for hours crosslegged on my work table and watch me arrange flowers. When she began talking, her first words were colors. She wouldn’t just pick out the correct color, she would tell you the name of it. She was petite and looked young for her age, so people would stand with their mouths open when she educated them on colors and flowers. Her hair was straight and a little difficult to manage at that age so her hairstyle of choice was pigtails. She looked so much like “Boo” on Monsters, Inc that even strangers would comment on the resemblence. I thanked God every day for chosing me to be her mommy and cherished every minute with her.

As Kennedy grew, so did my longing for another baby. I knew we didn’t have the money to contact Demastus for a second adoption, so I turned to the internet for other options. The costs were so astronomical I just didn’t see how we could afford another adoption unless we either fostered to adopt or found a private adoption opportunity.

I contacted a foster agency and they met with Chris and I the following day. By the time the weekend came, we decided to host 9 year old Brittany for the weekend. Brittany was a cute girl with a charming personality. She was very loving and affectionate toward me and after just one night, she began calling me Momma. Brittany had lived with the same foster parents for over a year and we were told they were not interested in adopting her. I found it a little odd that they already had 2 adopted children and were in the process of adopting a sibling group of three, but didn’t want to adopt Brittany. I enjoyed my time with her and she seemed very good with Kennedy. For some reason, however, I kept getting the feeling that something about the situation wasn’t right. When the social worker picked her up on Sunday, Brittany cried and begged to stay with me. It was heartwrenching, but legally, we were only her weekend host parents and she had to go back. That afternoon, the social worker called again and asked if we wanted to adopt Brittany. I was stunned and a million thoughts ran through my mind. “Why didn’t her foster parents want to adopt her too? What if she hates us after a week? What if our personalities don’t click? Are there behavioral or other issues we aren’t aware of?” The questions were running wild inside my head and I expressed my concerns with proceeding with the adoption. The social worker then told me that we could get her in our home, proceed with adoption, but stop the adoption if we felt we needed to. Big. Red. Flag. Though I wanted with all my heart to help Brittany, there was no way I would bring that poor child in our house, proceed with and then stop an adoption. It wasn’t fair to Brittany and it wasn’t fair to us. Though it broke my heart, I knew this wasn’t the right situation for us, nor was it the right agency to work with.

A few months later, Hope came into my life. She was a friend’s little sister and when she walked into the door, I fell in love with her. She had a smile that literally lit up a room, a sweet disposition that made everyone around her feel at ease, a fiery passion for life and a hunger for education. Not only did she have these (and many more) endearing qualities, she was stunning. She had gorgeous brown eyes, long brown hair and exquisite taste in clothes and fashion. She was popular, made good grades and well liked by her friends. If you didn’t know her story, you would never guess that she had been through hell in her 15 years of life. Her parents divorced when she was very small and she and her older sister lived with her mentally ill mother. Hope opened up to me quickly and could recall her life as a three year old in detail. Her mother was very loving and affectionate but unfortunately her illness prohibited her from effectivly caring for her children’s needs. Hope remembered being hungry and her sister taking her to the neighbor’s house for biscuits and gravy because her mother forgot to feed them. She witnessed things a child should never have to be exposed to. She remembered the day the state came to take her away. When the social worker knocked on the door, her mother instructed the girls to hide under the bed. It didn’t take long for them to find the children and they were taken out of the arms of their mother. Her father was an alcoholic and was incapeable of raising the children, so they were sent to foster care. The sisters lived in several homes through the years and slowly, their father was working toward getting them back. When Hope was ten or eleven, the state sent the girls to live with him and his wife. It was a rocky homelife for Hope as her father’s personal demons were a constant struggle for him. She had moved in with a relative to escape the instability and friction at home, but she wasn’t happy there either. After talking to her for a couple of hours, I knew this was the child that I had been waiting for. It just felt right. Within a week of meeting her, she moved into our home as well as my heart.

The first weekend Hope was there, she went with Kennedy and I to pick up my stepdaughter, Hailee. It was a two hour drive each way and we enjoyed our time together. I felt an instant bond with her and it didn’t take long for Hailee or Kennedy to grow quite attached to her as well.

As the “newness” of the situation faded, we all fell into a routine. Having an instant teenager was definatly a new experience for me! I was constantly running her to and from school, ballgames, work and a million other places she needed to be. Our home became a favorite hang out and there were kids running in and out all the time. It was hectic sometimes, but I loved it. Hope was a good kid, but she was a teenager, nonetheless, who did “teenagerish” things. It wasn’t long before the common struggles between parent and teen started to creep up. Not only that, we were both trying to figure out our new “roles” as best we could. She got mad at me for making her do chores when she didn’t want to and I got irritated at her for not calling when she was supposed to, etc, etc, etc. And oh the worry that came along with having a teenager!

When Hope had been in our home almost two years and Kennedy had just turned five. that familiar longing came rushing back. I ached for another child and this time, I turned to the Internet. This was the beginning of my nightmare…

I literally dreamed about being a mommy my entire life. I had massive collections of beautiful dolls, but my favorites were those that looked and felt like real babies. As a child, I never went anywhere without at least one baby doll. Sometimes if I were feeling really maternal, I would pretend I was the mother of twins or even triplets! I packed their diaper bags with all the neccesities such as extra clothes, diapers, socks, blankets, and bottles (real ones, of course). Specifically, I would pretend I was at church for the first time showing her off everyone who gathered around us to stare at her beauty.

When Kennedy had just turned three weeks old, my childhood fantasy became reality when Sunday morning came. Before she was even born, I had her outfit picked out. I chose a simple, pale pink Strausburg dress my grandmother had bought her. I had been looking forward to that day my entire life. Even more special, our church family had planned a much needed baby shower after the service. I got up extra early and got myself and Kennedy ready. All the excitement I felt inside turned into a sick feeling when Chris woke up mad at the world. He always seemsed to be irritated on Sunday mornings, but I hoped this morning would be different. Nothing was right…breakfast wasn’t made, his clothes weren’t ironed, he had a headache, etc, etc, etc. I ended up fighting back the tears and taking Kennedy to church alone.

Of course, my church family doted on Kennedy and each time Chris’s name was mentioned, it was all I could do to keep from breaking out in sobs. I didn’t want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that he just didn’t want to be there. So I did what I always did…I made an excuse and said he had overslept. I sat during the service feeling so lonely and sad. I wanted my spouse…Kennedy’s daddy…to be with us, not only physically, but mentally. Maybe if I just tried harder it would all turn around. I would try to be a better wife and maybe it would change.

After the service, we went downstairs for Kennedy’s shower. Such care was taken in the decorations and food and it was touching to see the lengths everyone had put into the event. I was excited, but still held my breath and positioned myself facing the door in hopes Chris would walk in.

When he entered the room, I could tell by the look on his face he was still mad. I greeted him and hugged him and I felt his back stiffen. “Why are you so upset?” I whispered. He rolled his eyes at me and quitely stood against the wall while I escaped to the bathroom. I tried catching the tears in my tissue and expertly wiped the mascara from my eyes in hopes no one would notice I had been crying. When I rejoined the party, I played the act of happy wife and mother and those who knew me best, pretended right along with me.

Kennedy had so many gifts that we literally had to make two trips with the truck! When I got home, Chris and I unloaded the gifts and he sank into the recliner. He still wouldn’t speak to me and I really had no idea what was wrong with him. I got Kennedy bathed, fed and in bed and passed the time washing her new clothes and putting all her gifts away. I tried to recount my actions and figure out why he was so angry and when I asked, he got even more irritated. He went to the guest bedroom without telling me goodnight and though I knew in my heart our marriage was in a downhill spiral, I hoped and prayed it would all be better the following day…for myself, Chris and our new baby.

Traveling across the country with a 2 week old baby was definitely interesting. Just the sheer amount of luggage we had accumulated was daunting. Thank God we had a direct flight to Nashville in a small prop plane. I was so worried about her ears popping and hurting on the plane, but she slept right through the entire trip.

My mother’s boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn’t checked out of his hotel and we couldn’t start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.

I’ll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!

Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.

I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.

If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn’t feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.

Chris had a temper. He wasn’t violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle… a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, “you don’t want me to have a new bike, do you?” As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn’t afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn’t afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn’t speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.

In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn’t my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn’t stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris’s life, he would be happy. I didn’t realize then that I couldn’t make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.

When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn’t make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn’t be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.

As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.

After years of planning on motherhood, I felt pretty confident I could handle anything Kennedy could dish out. My confidence quickly faded on the second night alone with her.

About midnight, Kennedy woke up from a deep sleep screaming at the top of her lungs. After rubbing her tummy and holding her for well over an hour, she was inconsolable. I gave her a dose of gas drops, but they didn’t help either. I began feeling desperate. I tried everything, but could not “fix” her. I started getting tense and upset even though I knew it was only going to make her worse. I couldn’t call home because no one would answer the phone in the middle of the night and there was no way I would call Ann. In my mind, I was afraid she would think I wouldn’t be a good mother. I finally decided to call the nurse at the hospital that had taken care of us. I was crying when the nurse, Mary, answered the phone. Mary was so sweet and calming and she told me she got off work in an hour and would call before she left to check on us. She said if things weren’t better, she would come to the hospital and help me. Thank God for Mary! She asked how I had tried consoling her and she suggested I swaddle her tightly. In the first week of her life, she didn’t particularly care if she was swaddled or not, so I never thought to try it. The first blanket i used just seemed to make her more upset, but out of desperation, I tried the afghan my aunt had knitted for her. Oh my gosh! Within 15 minutes, Kennedy was finally asleep and happy. As promised, Mary called when she was ready to leave and I assured her we were fine and of course, gave her my undying gratitude.

Needless to say, the next morning we slept until after lunch. About three, we picked up my mother at the airport so she could help us fly home. Of course, she was thrilled to meet her new granddaughter and I was looking forward to getting a full night’s sleep. However, about 11pm, I received a call from Stacy, my stepdaughter Hailee’s mother. She was sobbing when I answered the phone and told me Hailee had fallen out of a two story window and was being airlifted to the hospital. She knew Hailee was alive, but had no idea the extent of her injuries. I was overcome with complete panic. I called Chris to tell him (he and Stacy couldn’t talk without fighting) and his first instinct was anger. He called Stacy questioning how the fall happened and it ended up in complete outrage. All we could do was wait until Stacy called me back with more information.

The wait was hell. Luckily, Kennedy slept through the drama and I was left pacing the room. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and knew that I couldn’t leave the state to be with Hailee. I began praying continuously for God to protect her and guard her from injury. Finally, Stacy called. She said that doctors had performed extensive tests and so far, there were only bruises and scrapes. Within just a few hours of arriving at the hospital, doctors released Hailee. It was a miracle this child was alive. Thank God for taking care of this sweet girl that was such a blessing to me and so many others!

Exhausted, I answered the phone the next morning and it was our attorney. We could go home! It had been 10 days and it was time to make arrangements to leave Tulsa. Chris scheduled our flight for the following day. Luckily, we were able to get a direct flight, which would be quite a blessing with a newborn in tow. I called Jenn with the news and we planned a goodbye dinner that night.

I was looking forward to going home, but I really dreaded leaving Jenn. It felt like she was part of me now and we shared a bond that was just unexplainable. We had spent so much time together and would miss seeing each other every day. I knew it was time for both of us to get on with our new lives, but it would really be difficult leaving.

We met Jenn and her parents and were able to spend a couple of hours with them. As the night winded down, the lump in my throat got bigger. Ann held Kennedy one last time and handed her back to me. It was heart wrenching to watch her say her goodbyes to her granddaughter. She told me how much she appreciated and loved me and promised to pray for us daily. I could tell her heart was breaking and it took all the strength inside her to walk away.

I could no longer hold back the tears when Jenn kissed Kennedy on the forehead and whispered, “Always remember how much I love you.” Even as I write now, I am overcome with emotions when I remember that day. I have never seen such an unselfish love manifested in one moment. We hugged until I felt a peace sweep over us. I knew God had prepared both of us to go our separate ways.

Our time in Tulsa was over. It was time to go home.